LOVE IS NOT JUST A WORD

So it took me 26 years, lots of tears, broken dreams, new beginnings and few times a broken heart, but now I finally figured it out. I was always questioning myself what did I do wrong or maybe I could have done things differently and maybe if I did, things would worked out.
Lots of time wasted on blaming myself for all the wrong persons I let into my life and into my heart.
It took me to kiss lots of frogs to finally meet my prince and after all that time, now I finally know what love is.

Love is his "How are you? Did you sleep good? Do you need anything? Did you eat? How was your day? Text me when you come home safe."
Love is when he brings you lunch home because he knows you hate to cook. Love is when he kiss you in a forehead, when he gets you lots of chocolate on your period days. Love is when he makes you soup and tea when you are sick. Love is when he lets you watch movie you want even though on TV is his favorite show. Love is when he learns how to understand words you don't even say. Love is feeling not a word. Love is when he makes everything in his power to make you feel safe and loved without even saying those words "I love you".
And if he would never say them, you know that he loves you, because love is not just a word. Love is the way he is acting towards you. Anyone can say "I love you" and not meant it. But to show you his love every days in small ways, that can't do someone who doesn't feel love towards you.

I would repeat every mistake I did, go trough all pain, tears and heartbreak again if that would mean my journey will take me to him again. Because, he is worth it. 

And I can never thank him enough for showing me the way. For teaching me what true love really looks like. 

I know am sometimes hard to handle, that I have walls build around me but he knows that. And he is knocking them down one by one with his love and patience. 

That my people, is what love is all about.  :)

MEMORIES AND STUFF

The other day I was feeling nostalgic a bit so I took all my pictures, older and new ones. I was going trough them and I could remember every detail from what was happening before taking that picture. Lots of people who are in those old photos are not in my life anymore. And that is fine. I learned that it wasn't meant to be. Not everyone will go with me until the end of my road and that is fine. Everyone of those people did their purpose in my life and I sure hope I left some mark, good mark in their life too. But we each went different directions, but we will always have something to share. Memories and good times that I will treasure.

But then as I went trough a little bit newer pictures I realized that for every person that part ways with me, I got a new one that entered my life. It seems like when life takes one person from your life, on your path you meet another one. And I thought how lucky I am. For each and every person in my life. For every experience, for every lesson, for every laugh, cry and every memory I have.

I was starting to feel grateful for every person that cross my path, for every person that left my life and that entered and stayed in it. I saw how many people made difference in my life and still are making difference. I realized that trough all my life I was surrounded with family that loves me and friends that are in some way my other family.
Am lucky because when I close my eyes, I can remember so many happy memories and when I open my eyes I can hug and kiss people that I love and are important in my life.

So for all of you guys there, if you are feeling sad or nostalgic or tired of everything, just go trough your old and new pictures, close your eyes and feel those memories, and I promise you, you will realize that you are going to be ok because you are surrounded with people who loves you.
And most of all, because you survived this far, you are strong enough to go further.

BE YOUR OWN HERO!

My mom always tells me that from every life of every person on this planet you can write a story. And a damn good one. Best selling books.
Because everyone has its own stories to tell.
Everyone has something that broke them, something that lift them up.
Everyone has its big love, huge crash of the same love.
Everyone has its own fights, its own defeats and victory.
Everyone has their own lessons they learned on a hard way.

So while thinking about that, I was wondering one thing.
What sets us apart from one another?
I mean we all have some stories to tell,
people we love, people that love us,
our fights and ups and downs.
Lost loves, missed chances and loved ones that died.
We all have tears and smiles.
Good and bad days.
We all have dream, hope, faith
and we all search that one thing
that will make us happy and calm.
So if everyone has its own stories to tell,
life that can write a book,
what is that one thing that sets apart one
story author from another?

And then it hit me. I knew the answer.
It is the way they carry their stories.
The way they tell it.
There are some people out there that have been trough so much,
that are tired and lost and are fighting
with their last atom of power
but we can't see that on them.
They still smile, they still have time to make others smile
and you know what? They carry their story and not the
other way around. They took everything that happen to them,
accept it and let it make them wiser and stronger.
And you will never hear that author of that life story
telling it in a way that he/she will put him/herself in a victim position.
Because you know what, he/she is not a victim.
Those people are fighters and survivors.
They are heroes of their own story.

So that is the difference.
So one day when you tell your story,
don't forget that you can choose what are
you going to be, hero or victim.
Is your story of life going to be full
of adventures and used chances,
or full of fear and regret.
It is up to all of you to decide,
because you know what.
You are your writer and author
of your own story and your life.
Every day write a good chapter of your book.

BEING MEAN vs BEING NICE

Yesterday my cousin invited me to come in her house. She made pancakes and we drink a little bit of wine. Ok, little more. :) Just girls talk.
Anyway, her husband was just coming back home, and while he was reaching one of the pancakes from the plate, he spill the wine all over the table and the floor. She was pissed at him, she cursed at him. I was a little bit embarrassed to be caught in the middle of that.
And in that moment, I don't know why exactly but I remembered last year when she had Christmas party in her house. There was not many people, maybe like 15 of us, but we made quite a mess. And I remember that one of her husbands friends, totally stranger to her, he spilled beer on her phone and that phone stop working. I saw it in her eyes that she was pissed off and that she would rather kill him, but she just put on a fake smile on her face, took the phone and try to dry it. That guy apologized to her, he even offered to buy her a new one because this one clearly didn't work anymore, but she just put on her game smile again and said: "Don't worry, it's just a phone."

So when her husband went to the other room, I asked her does she remember that. She was like: "Of course I do, that idiot screw up my phone!"
In that moment I saw that she was still angry at that guy.
And then I asked her how come that she was nice to him, to a complete stranger even though she had all right to be mad, but just a minute ago she was an asshole to her husband? To a man she loves, has family with?
Both of us just sat there in silence for a few minutes and I could see the guilt on her face. I said to her: "Sorry, I didn't want to sound mean and to get you in a bad mood."
And she said to me: "It's not a problem that you said that, the problem is that you were right!"
So for some reason, the night that was supposed to be relaxing turn out to be philosophical night. We talked about why do we always act like assholes towards persons we love, but we are nice to complete strangers. We were talking about that topic until we finished bottle of wine. Then, when I started to feel dizzy I knew that was my time to call a cab.

When I came back home, I was in some romantic mood so I made myself a bubble bath and just relaxed there for some time. And I was still by the impression of our talk that night, that I couldn't help but wonder-why the hell are we mean to the people we love? Why don't we just react on their screw ups like we would if some stranger was on the line?
Is it because we know they love us and that they will forgive us for that?
Or is it because it hurts more when someone we love screws up?
But then again, nobody got hurt because her husband spilled the wine and she was an asshole to him, but that Christmas party her phone got hurt, and she managed to be nice.
I don't get it!
Why do we have constant need for other people, for complete strangers to like us, but we take advantage of people that we love? We take them for granted.
Why don't we act nice with the people around us who loves us, who take care of us?
Why don't we just say to them: "Don't worry it's just a phone, or don't worry, it's just a stupid table and a stupid wine. It can be cleaned up!"

CHEERS-TO NEW BEGINNINGS

So it past a year since my best friend Edy moved out from Mostar to live in Italy with her boyfriend. And lot of things have changed in that year. Except one thing. I miss her every day, and that will never change. We've been together trough it all. Ups and downs, holding each other's hands and not letting either of us fall down.

And now, all we can actually do is thank God on technology we have so we are able to stay in touch. So at first, she was happy, she and her boyfriend were working out and I was so happy for her. She manage to found some job, but she changed them a lot.
On the other side, I didn't have any relationship, I was working some job I wasn't happy with and just hanging out with friends and family, and I was feeling little bit down. I mean, I was doing ok, but something was missing in my life.
Just one year latter, everything changed. They broke up, she moved out, found some place in Milan and she is staying there with roommates. She is dealing with break up, with emotions and she is in a freaking emotional rollercoaster and all I can do is just give her words of encouragement, when all that I want is to deal with it like we always did when one of us had breakup. Go out and get drunk.

On the other side of the world, my situation has changed for better in a year. I meet some new interesting people, am happy with my job and my life is going on a good path. That void I felt year ago is gone now.
Funny how this life works out. In just one year, your whole life can change, and all you can really do is cross your fingers and hope for the best.
All that made me think about beginnings. How many times we build something, we invest everything in it, our hope, dreams, emotions, time and effort and how many times we all have to stay and watch it all crashing down in ashes? And in all that heartbreaking, pain and emotional break down, we still need to find strength to start over. From scratch. And how many times we all felt tired from beginnings? Because after awhile, you really can't see the point. But still, we get up and try. We have friends and family that push us even when we can't do it by ourselves. And day by day, you even don't notice that you're moving forward, you're building your life again from ground zero and once again, you hope that this time it will work out for the best. That this was the last crash and last beginning.
We all know that life doesn't work out always like we wanted it to work. We all have our ups and downs and I think that while we are alive, we will always have new beginnings. We will always have to learn how to do something new. One day you will get married and that is a new beginning, you will become parent, and that is one new beginning too. You will quit your job or get fired and you'll find another job, and in it you will meet other people and that is a new start too.
You see, life is full of new beginnings and even though it is rough sometimes, we don't have to be afraid of them because if in those moments we are not alone, if we have someone who is always there for us, we can found ourselves very lucky.
I guess what am trying to say to my friend and to all of you out there, just hang on. Things can change for the better in just one day, Just hang on tight and you will be fine.

P.S. My lovely friend Edy, I love you very much. I believe in you, and am always here for you. What ever you are feeling now, just know that you are strong and he is the one losing the best damn thing that ever happen to him <3

OPEN LETTER TO MY FUTURE DAUGHTER

I was thinking about the world we live in today. The world in which girls exaggerate in feminism, because in my opinion there is really not a big problem if I can feel like a lady next to my man. Feel free to hold a door for me or a chair so that I can sit down. A feminist in me won't be offended. This world is one in which men have forgotten how to be men and gentlemen. It seems to me that somehow the roles of men and women changed beyond recognition, I sometimes don't know if this is good or bad. I look at my younger cousin struggling with relationship problems with her boyfriend who doesn't know how to behave like a man, and therefore, he doesn't know how to treat her like a lady. I tried to give her advice, but she doesn't listen. And why should she? She must make her own mistakes to learn the rules of the game of life and love. To be honest, in her age I didn't listen to anyone either. Then I asked myself: "What if one day I had a daughter?"

I was thinking about the issue, because I was curious how will she cope with these problems and with life in general? I've been thinking a bit about what I'd like for her to know and I finally found the answer to these questions. So therefore, this is a public letter to my future daughter.

My darling,

Never, ever say "never" - Because with that statement at the same time you are challenging God and destiny. It's like in the movies when they say in despair: "Can it be worse?" And then something worse happens. You never know where life can take you, what is out there waiting for you and the things you think now you wouldn't do, doesn't mean that you won't want or need to do them in a few months.

What you can't change, endure! - You'll understand in time sweetie, you can't control everything in life. Sometimes things get out of control and that's quite okey. In such moments sit, make yourself coffee, eat bunch of chocolate, sing your favorite song, breathe deeply and believe that everything will turn out well. Let your life happen to you and have a little faith.

Do not let broken heart break down your spirit! – It is the question of time, but you certainly won't be able to prevent it. All of us get our heart broken by someone at least once in life. If you're lucky just once. Your mother was a jinx so she had to deal with broken heart three times, but there you go, I survived. I know you'll be in on the emotional roller coaster in those moments but the main key to survival is too not allow the pain to break your spirit. Don't let the pain define you , because you're not weak, because I raised you. And like my mom said to me long time ago, in our blood line, there is no weak woman.

Time really cures all! -Okey, I know this sounds corny, but it really is so. Am not saying that you will forget that asshole who hurt you, because you won't, but it will hurt less. Will remain a scar and may sometimes hurts like any wound from time to time, only this type of wound hurts when you hear or see something that reminds you on that war you survived, but the intensity is not the same. Give yourself time and trust me, you'll be fine.

Love yourself just the way you are - This is the most important thing I wanted you to learn. You're beautiful, strong, worth a lot and don't let no one says it's different. While growing up, I will try to teach you that but later on, you need to observe these lesson and never doubt in it. You can do everything if you put some effort in it.

If someone doesn't deserve you, leave immediately! - If you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't fight for you, and who doesn't value you and doesn't love you the way you deserve, if you're with someone who wants you to change, and who doesn't support you, turn around and leave, no turning back. Learn how to respect yourself enough to know when you deserve better.

Related to this previously, this follows -if he can live without you, you can live without him too! - Very simply, who doesn't need you, you don't need him either.

Carefully choose your battles and wars! - It will be lots of battles and wars in life, some you get and some you lose and it's okey. But sometimes you need to know when to give up, when someone or something is not worth your struggle nor your time. Carefully pick your battles sweetie. Sometimes even being in peace is more worth then being right.

ALWAYS be nice! - Everyone has their battles and their problems. Someone doesn't know how to hide them and keep them so that others can see, and some of them hide problems behind a big smile. In any case, always be nice, always smile when you meet some friend, because you never know, maybe your smile can make someone's day.

Don't judge people! –You don't know why somebody did what he did. You never know what internal battles that person leads and don't know his reasons. What I have learned that not everything is as it seems, is not all black or white, sometimes there is a little bit of gray color too. Only when you walk the miles in someones shoes, then you might be able to understand his actions and reasons, and until then don't judge.

Happiness really is a matter of choice! - It is not nobody's business to make you happy, happiness is a matter of choice and it is on you. Problems don't define you as a person, but how are you dealing with them does. The problems and obstacles that you find in life build character and don't hide from them, deal with them. But no matter what if you know how to look in the right direction, you will found reasons to be happy. Just because you have a roof over your head, you're not thirsty, not hungry and do not walk barefoot, you're alive and well and have a family that loves you is a good reason to be happy! Happiness is in the detail, in small and seemingly unimportant things. Things that we usually take for granted. Go out with a friend, gossip a little, it is a cure for everything. There is you luck.

Do not neglect your friends! I believe you'll sometimes be so madly in love that you want to be just with him, but resist it. Don't neglect life you built before him and friends who love you. The life is an important balance. Find the way to keep that balance. Because guys come and go, but friends remain with you trough life.

If you have at least one true friend, you're happy! Life can be tough sometimes, but in such times if you have one friend, one sincere friend that if you would say you killed a man, she/he would have asked where and take a shovel and start digging with you, if you find that one friend who knows all the best and worst in you and still loves you and keeps your back no matter what, know that you are lucky. And take care of that friendship.

You'll have people in life that you are not blood related, and yet they will be your family! Or at least I hope it will happen to you. Because you see my darling, there will be friends in your life that will be just like your family even though you don't share the same DNA.

Educated, finish college, CREATE YOUR LIFE! - Do not rush into marriage, all in good time. Go to school, live your student days. In order to be a good wife and mother, first you have to establish yourself as a person and you have to stand on your feet. Be happy with yourself, with what you achieve, and then you will be able to settle down with one person you choose.

Learn from your mistakes! Don't be afraid to make a mistake. How are you going to learn differently? Anyway, in the end, when all this is over, mistakes become the best memories.

When you make some decisions, do not make them hasty! I want you to understand that every decision you make, you have to live with it for the rest of your life. So be careful that the final decision is one with which you will be able to live without regret and without looking back.

Do not take life too seriously! - I know, sometimes it is impossible, sometimes things have to be taken seriously, serious as a heart attack, but don't forget to relax from time to time, enjoy a little. Anyway, none of us will make it alive from this world anyway.

AND FINALLY, THE LAST BUT NOT LESS IMPORTANT - Know that no matter what, at any of your mistakes, decisions, know that I will always love you unconditionally. Even if I don't agree with your decision, I will respect them and be your support because I will believe in you even when you are full of doubt.

With love,

Your future mom.