WHAT IF??

I was thinking about life in general. About choices we make every day. About paths we never took, and the ones we do choose. What makes us go left instead of the right? What makes us go back instead of moving forward or the other way around?
I was thinking about all those plans we make and never lived to see them becoming reality, about the things we didn't think it is possible to happen, but they happened anyway.
I heard from someone that every choice that we make, even small one like where will we go to take our coffee, every single choice we make in day leads us to our destiny.
So by that definition, every mistake is really not a mistake. It is just some lesson we need to learn so that we can go one step forward. I know that life is full of ups and downs, but if every one of us has its own path and destiny, so in that sense we can't make a mistake, can we?
We can't make wrong choice, because they are no wrong choices. We call it mistake and wrong decision because it didn't worked out like we wanted it to work.

But just because it didn't go as we wanted it doesn't mean it didn't turn out exactly like it was supposed to.
I know it is in a human nature to worry. To think like five steps ahead, but what if we would just live in the moment? Because in this moment right now, we make our future.
Every decision we make this day, in these moments will shape our future and shape us as a person.
What if we don't have to know what will happen five mounts from now or even tomorrow?
What if we don't have to know where will we be, or what will we be doing or with whom?
What if all we have is right here and right now? This moment. This day. Because we never know what can happen tomorrow, and we don't have to. Because tomorrow will take care of itself when time comes.
What if we would just breath, be in this moment and take a leap of faith?
What if we would just trust our journey even thought we sometimes don't understand it?
What if we would just trust ourselves? That we made it trough so far, and we can make it trough
what ever is coming next.
What if we would just stop worrying about things that didn't even happen yet?
What if we would just let our life happen to us?

BEING MEAN vs BEING NICE

Yesterday my cousin invited me to come in her house. She made pancakes and we drink a little bit of wine. Ok, little more. :) Just girls talk.
Anyway, her husband was just coming back home, and while he was reaching one of the pancakes from the plate, he spill the wine all over the table and the floor. She was pissed at him, she cursed at him. I was a little bit embarrassed to be caught in the middle of that.
And in that moment, I don't know why exactly but I remembered last year when she had Christmas party in her house. There was not many people, maybe like 15 of us, but we made quite a mess. And I remember that one of her husbands friends, totally stranger to her, he spilled beer on her phone and that phone stop working. I saw it in her eyes that she was pissed off and that she would rather kill him, but she just put on a fake smile on her face, took the phone and try to dry it. That guy apologized to her, he even offered to buy her a new one because this one clearly didn't work anymore, but she just put on her game smile again and said: "Don't worry, it's just a phone."

So when her husband went to the other room, I asked her does she remember that. She was like: "Of course I do, that idiot screw up my phone!"
In that moment I saw that she was still angry at that guy.
And then I asked her how come that she was nice to him, to a complete stranger even though she had all right to be mad, but just a minute ago she was an asshole to her husband? To a man she loves, has family with?
Both of us just sat there in silence for a few minutes and I could see the guilt on her face. I said to her: "Sorry, I didn't want to sound mean and to get you in a bad mood."
And she said to me: "It's not a problem that you said that, the problem is that you were right!"
So for some reason, the night that was supposed to be relaxing turn out to be philosophical night. We talked about why do we always act like assholes towards persons we love, but we are nice to complete strangers. We were talking about that topic until we finished bottle of wine. Then, when I started to feel dizzy I knew that was my time to call a cab.

When I came back home, I was in some romantic mood so I made myself a bubble bath and just relaxed there for some time. And I was still by the impression of our talk that night, that I couldn't help but wonder-why the hell are we mean to the people we love? Why don't we just react on their screw ups like we would if some stranger was on the line?
Is it because we know they love us and that they will forgive us for that?
Or is it because it hurts more when someone we love screws up?
But then again, nobody got hurt because her husband spilled the wine and she was an asshole to him, but that Christmas party her phone got hurt, and she managed to be nice.
I don't get it!
Why do we have constant need for other people, for complete strangers to like us, but we take advantage of people that we love? We take them for granted.
Why don't we act nice with the people around us who loves us, who take care of us?
Why don't we just say to them: "Don't worry it's just a phone, or don't worry, it's just a stupid table and a stupid wine. It can be cleaned up!"

MAGIC HAPPENS AT NIGHT

I always loved the night. Even when I was a little kid. I would sneak out of my bed really quite so that I don't wake up my mom, and I would go to balcony so that I could look at the stars and look the city from above. There is some mystical energy I always feel at night. Mixture of romance, sky full of stars and silence that gives me inspiration. It is like finally, at night, when the whole town seems to be sleeping, I can hear my thoughts, I could breathe fresh air, no stress, noise, just me, night sky and serenity.

Did you ever notice that if you are looking at your city from above, how it looks peaceful? Of course, everything that you look from above, from some distance looks different. Every situation in life that you distance yourself from, objectively looks different. It is the same for a city too. From a distance it looks peaceful, it looks magical with that lights burning inside of every building and street. But when you go inside, in the center of that same town, you realize that you liked it better from distance. And even though I didn't meant for this last sentence to be like metaphor, but it could serve as one for life anyway. I could use it too. I guess the only way to look clearly at any given situation in life, is to distance yourself from it, try to look objectively at it. Like what advice you would give your friend in that same situation if he asked you for opinion.

Anyway, I read one research in the journal Psychology Today that smart people stay awake late at night. It has something to do with wanting to make our own way and not to just blindly follow the rules that society put in front of us. All of those dreams and thoughts that people can't have during the day because of the distractions, work, people around them and obligations, they wait for the night to come. During the night, we can explore our mind, our thoughts and ideas. The night is made for testing our limits.

Like Stephanie Meyer said: "I like the night. Without the dark, we would never see the stars."

HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS

I was reading some articles and I ran into one quote that catch my eye.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 
― Maya Angelou

And if you think about it, it makes sense and it's true. Mind can fail you in many ways, your memory won't always hold on to every word or detail, but your heart, he never fails you. I bet that every one of us can remember how did we feel when we had our first kiss, or first sex or even a first break up. Can you all remember how does it feel to be loved and how does it feel when your heart is broken? I bet you do. And so do I.

If there is many of you guys who didn't get over your exes I bet that is the reason why. Many of us know that ex is bad for us and that person is ex for the right reasons and we have to move on, but we still hold on to it, and not because you remember what did that ex said or done, but because your heart remembers how did you feel when that ex said first I love you, your heart still remembers how does it feel to have his/her lips on yours, how does it feel to make love to that person, how does it feel when that person wrap his/her arm around you. Heart remembers, even your skin remembers those goosebumps you felt when his/hers arm was on you. So there for, you will always remember how did he/she made you feel, and if you think that you miss your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, you don't actually. You miss the way he/she made you feel.

Maybe that feeling is happiness, maybe sense of security or feeling that you are loved and wanted. And I think that until you find those feelings that you felt with ex boyfriend or girlfriend in another person, you are stuck with not being able to move on.
But I'll admit, feelings are tricky little things. You never know what will wake them up. Old song, old place that you went with the person from your past or even a movie you guys watched together will do the trick. And you are back to that memory land again.

But it does make you wonder, doesn't it? About your behavior towards other people. Imagine if we all went every day with that thought that every one of the people that we have contact with will remember how did we make them feel, don't you think that a world would be a better place?

BEING A WINGMAN

So yesterday something amazing happen. For the first time, I was a wingman for my friend. We went out and after few drinks, we were just joking around about a fact that he really has no luck with picking up women. I have no idea what a hell does he say to them, but the result is the same, either they give him just Facebook profile, they text few times with him but they never go out, or they tell him that they already have a boyfriend. And maybe few of them actually have a boyfriend, but what are the odds that in like 10 women he talks with, 8 of them are in a relationship, those two just text trough Facebook but with no luck in further contact.
And really he is not ugly. He is nice and handsome, he has nice job, so basically he has everything that most of women want so in that term he is suitable candidate for a girl to give him a number and go out with him, but for some reason, that never works.
So I asked him what a hell does he do to them, because I don't really get it. Maybe it is in something he says or do, I don't know. And he says to me that he is doing everything right. He approaches girl, he gives some compliment and then after some chat he asks if he can meet her tomorrow or some other day when she can to go on some coffee and to get to know her better, and that is far as he goes.
And we started to joke a little and I ask him like: "Ok then, tell me what do you look in women, in a physical sense and we'll see what can we do for you tonight."
So he said like she needs to be good looking, but he really doesn't have any special demands. So I looked around us in a bar and I saw few good looking women and just for fun, I was picking him some girls and whom ever I choose, he needs to go and talk to them. Because I wanted to see him in action so that I can figure it out. So he did that. I found like 5 girls for him, but for some reason, he didn't manage to score with any of them. And while he was there talking to them, I was looking at his body language and I was like: "Ohhhh, now I get it!"
I found a reason why he doesn't score with women. So, he approached to them, but I saw in his body language that he wasn't confidant enough. The way he moved, he talked to them, the way his shoulders were pull down it was all like he expected that they will reject him, but like he will give it a try anyway. Even I could sense his fear. And one thing that guys never understand is that we girls are like dogs when it comes to sensing confidence and believe me, you can be good looking and fill every social form, but if you are not confident in yourself, you won't make it. Because confidence comes with a charm, and if you have no charm when you are talking with a girl, it will all go to hell. Of course, they are exceptions for every rule, but in general, that is how we roll.
It's not all in looks and money guys, there is something in charm as well.
Good luck to you all out there. We are rough crowd to deal with, but in the end, every one of us is worth it. :)
As far as for my friend goes, I will have a lot of work with him. But yesterday it had no point to tell him that. He suffered enough for one night. Baby steps I guess. :)

I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!!

So this is how my day starts after I had my coffee.

.

And that would be fine if I were smoker, but the freaking part of it is am not! But my mom and brother are, and the funny part full of irony is that they have no idea how to make a good cigarettes using this machine. So every day I make them cigarettes and when am preparing everything, this machine, filters and tobacco, am feeling like a drug addict preparing for his s*it. I swear, this is crazy. How is it possible that the only non smoking freaking person in my house, (ME!!!) is the only one who knows how to make cigarettes!!?? So every day like half hour of my life is going on this so I have like one  thought in my head:“I should start smoking!“

I mean, why not, am good at making them anyway. I could also buy smoking pipe and be cool like Popay. Except eating spinach. I hate spinach.

So there you go, when I start smoking, mom and brother, you know who to blame. Let me help you, it is not me! :)

But all this make me thing about things we do all the time, and we sure as hell don't want to do them. My mom would always tell me that is part of growing up, to do the things you don't want to do. So that's it, am done with being adult and with growing up because it sucks! Why can't we all be like Peter Pan. Always be kids and play. Plus, that dude can fly. How cool is that??

I want to fly too. Maybe I can, who knows. If you ask few of my exes they would tell you that am a witch. Maybe if I sit on my broom I would fly!? Well, screw it, am drinking Red Bull, if that doesn't give me wings, I don't know what will. Either that, or am searching for my broom.

CHEERS-TO NEW BEGINNINGS

So it past a year since my best friend Edy moved out from Mostar to live in Italy with her boyfriend. And lot of things have changed in that year. Except one thing. I miss her every day, and that will never change. We've been together trough it all. Ups and downs, holding each other's hands and not letting either of us fall down.

And now, all we can actually do is thank God on technology we have so we are able to stay in touch. So at first, she was happy, she and her boyfriend were working out and I was so happy for her. She manage to found some job, but she changed them a lot.
On the other side, I didn't have any relationship, I was working some job I wasn't happy with and just hanging out with friends and family, and I was feeling little bit down. I mean, I was doing ok, but something was missing in my life.
Just one year latter, everything changed. They broke up, she moved out, found some place in Milan and she is staying there with roommates. She is dealing with break up, with emotions and she is in a freaking emotional rollercoaster and all I can do is just give her words of encouragement, when all that I want is to deal with it like we always did when one of us had breakup. Go out and get drunk.

On the other side of the world, my situation has changed for better in a year. I meet some new interesting people, am happy with my job and my life is going on a good path. That void I felt year ago is gone now.
Funny how this life works out. In just one year, your whole life can change, and all you can really do is cross your fingers and hope for the best.
All that made me think about beginnings. How many times we build something, we invest everything in it, our hope, dreams, emotions, time and effort and how many times we all have to stay and watch it all crashing down in ashes? And in all that heartbreaking, pain and emotional break down, we still need to find strength to start over. From scratch. And how many times we all felt tired from beginnings? Because after awhile, you really can't see the point. But still, we get up and try. We have friends and family that push us even when we can't do it by ourselves. And day by day, you even don't notice that you're moving forward, you're building your life again from ground zero and once again, you hope that this time it will work out for the best. That this was the last crash and last beginning.
We all know that life doesn't work out always like we wanted it to work. We all have our ups and downs and I think that while we are alive, we will always have new beginnings. We will always have to learn how to do something new. One day you will get married and that is a new beginning, you will become parent, and that is one new beginning too. You will quit your job or get fired and you'll find another job, and in it you will meet other people and that is a new start too.
You see, life is full of new beginnings and even though it is rough sometimes, we don't have to be afraid of them because if in those moments we are not alone, if we have someone who is always there for us, we can found ourselves very lucky.
I guess what am trying to say to my friend and to all of you out there, just hang on. Things can change for the better in just one day, Just hang on tight and you will be fine.

P.S. My lovely friend Edy, I love you very much. I believe in you, and am always here for you. What ever you are feeling now, just know that you are strong and he is the one losing the best damn thing that ever happen to him <3